i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize
