Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
