So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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