I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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