Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
