You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
if only i could text you this smell
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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