Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
zippers are such a cool invention
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
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