My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Randomize
