I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
what's the vibe there?
extraordinary amounts of gine
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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