Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
