They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
