She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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