Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
