I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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