yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
