I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
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