dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
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