thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
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