i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
My ATM looks so different sober.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Randomize
