I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
