ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
