I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
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