he thought i was a dude.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I party with great urgency now.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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