I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Randomize
