According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Randomize
