Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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