i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
