I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
