His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
