i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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