vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
