some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
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