they say Disney World is the happiest place on Earth. It's a close second to the Super 8 on route 18. That place holds some great memories.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
