honey bunches of taint.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Randomize
