There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
