He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Randomize
