I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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