The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Randomize
