im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
the liver wants what the liver wants
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
