nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
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