I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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