If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
