Welp...herpes.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
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