i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
