Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
