I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
