I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
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