Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Randomize
