I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Randomize
