3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Randomize
