I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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