I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Randomize
