I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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