Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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