I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
